One of the many rewarding things about our profession is to watch people find out more about themselves and in that process grow to appreciate the gifts of their personality. A fun way to understand your personality is through using a questionnaire called the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, commonly referred to as the MBTI. The MBTI is a tool for helping people learn about themselves and is designed to identify a person’s strengths and unique gifts.

The MBTI is a personality inventory based on the theories of Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. The indicator is non-judgmental and allows people to gain an understanding of their personality preferences, particularly with respect to energy source, information gathering, decision making, and general approach to the world

The MBTI may be applied in a wide variety of settings such as, individual counselling, couples work, career counselling and within organisations for team building and recruitment.

In brief, the MBTI describes 16 personality type preferences. Understanding which one is yours can help you to celebrate your gifts. At the same time, understanding the different gifts in others can lead to better communication and appreciation of others.

Enjoy the experience of discovering your personality strengths and perhaps those of your family members. If you are interested, just contact Chris on either 0412269 995 or 9431 3933.

(Up to 90% of all health problems are related to stress - American Institute of Stress).

Would you like to learn how to:

Manage stress & anxiety as it arises.Control excessive physical responses to stress.Mediate unhelpful thought patterns.Create positive emotional states.

Through a program called emWave you can obtain immediate biofeedback. This biofeedback enables you to learn the skills to synchronise a range of key factors influencing stress, such as:

Heart rhythms.Balancing of the involuntary nervous system.Increase heart-brain communication.Access to a range of supporting physiological systems.

Synchronising the above enables you to self-regulate the stress response and thus improve your health.

The Science behind the emWave Technology

The emWave technology system is based on decades of scientific research on stress, emotions, heart / brain interactions and the impact of these on Heart Rate Variability and the nervous system.

Heart Rate Variability (HRV): Rather than a constant interval between heart beats the rhythm of a healthy heart is irregular with the time interval between consecutive heartbeats constantly changing. This naturally occurring beat-to-beat variation in the heart rate is called heart rate variability (HRV). These variations in heart rate are generally overlooked when average heart rates are measured.

The analysis of HRV serves as a dynamic window into the function and balance of the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). HRV is due to the synergistic action of the 2 branches of the ANS, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nerves act to accelerate heart rate (eg during stress), while the parasympathetic nerves slow it down (eg whilst relaxing). The sympathetic and parasympathetic are continually interacting to maintain cardiovascular activity in its optimal range and to permit appropriate reactions to changing external and internal conditions.

Some of the factors affecting the activity of the ANS are our breathing, exercise, emotions and even thoughts. Research has shown that that one of the most powerful factors that affects our heart’s changing rhythm is our feelings and emotions. In general, emotional stress such as anger, frustration and anxiety gives rise to heart rhythm patterns that appear irregular and erratic. Erratic patterns can indicate that the signals produced by sympathetic and parasympathetic nerves are out of sync. Under these conditions the body is operating inefficiently with extra wear and tear on the system. In contrast, positive emotions and less stressful experiences create smooth heart rhythm patterns and a balanced nervous system.

Source: HeartMath research: For further scientific information please go to: www.heartmath.org/research/overview.html

Accept Personal Responsibility: (Most important). This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs and refuse to blame your partner for not making you feel happy and secure. This also means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion and acceptance instead of self-judgement.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness. Blaming your partner for your unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems – learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

2. Compassion, Understanding and Acceptance: Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated.

3. Be Open to Learning: When conflict occurs, you always have two choices: you can become open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some sort of controlling behaviour.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other – and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears are activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behaviour. But if you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempting to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally – by learning instead of controlling.Make sure you have regular dates: Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

4. Make sure you have regular dates: Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

5. Gratitude instead of Complaints: Positive energy flows between two people when there is an ‘attitude of gratitude’.

6. Fun: Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

7. Service: A good way to develop intimacy is to have shared projects.

Source: Mental Health Academy

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.”Wayne Dyer

Burnout is a syndrome which occurs due to prolonged emotional strain of dealing extensively with other human beings, particularly in helper and recipient relationships.

Burnout is often classified as a type of stress. However, the origin of stress and long-term outcomes are very different. The table below outlines these differences:

Stress – characterised by Burnout – characterised by

Over-engagement Disengagement

Overactive emotions Helplessness and hoplessness

Exhausted physical energy Depleted motivation, drive, ideals and hope

Leads to anxiety disorders Leads to paranoia, detachment and depression

Causes disintegration Causes demoralisation

Primary damage is physical Primary damage is emotional

The typical response from sufferers of burnout is: “This job has always been stressful, but why am I having trouble now the job can’t be the reason. So it must be down to me.”

There are many symptoms of burnout the following are just some:

High resistance to going to work.A sense of failureAnger and resentmentIsolation and withdrawalFeeling tired and exhaustedLoss of positive feelings towards clientsSleep disordersAvoiding discussion of work with colleaguesSelf-preoccupation & blaming othersFrequent illnessMarital and family conflictHigh absenteeism

If one gram of prevention is worth a kilo of cure, then the best way to beat burnout is to keep it from happening. Below are some self-care strategies:

Keep expectations realistic.Reduce your workload.Take allocated lunch breaks.Consider a career break.Develop and maintain interests outside of work.Use your full holiday entitlement.Recognise your own response to work place issues.Seek skill-based counselling for mood management and support.

Source: Mental Health Academy

It has often surprised me that most books about relationships do not attempt to define intimacy – probably because it is so multidimensional and means something different for everyone.

One concept of intimacy is to view it as a broad series of intimacy styles based on thoughts and actions around personality, gender, age etc. Viewed in this way the following intimacy styles are examples that could be regarded as an intimate connection:

Personally I like the following definition that I collected from somewhere:

Intimacy depends on the giving and receiving of messages from the inner world of one person to the inner world of the other.

I also think that this play on words says it all.

The quality of our relationships strongly influences the quality of our lives. Good communication is the essence of every type of relationship we might wish to have.

For many there is a strong correlation between relationship communication issues and anxiety / depressive states. Often resolving communication issues significantly helps with overall mental health.

Whilst a good relationship is dependent on many interacting factors such as commitment, emotional connection, valuing our partner and chemistry it is communication skills that enable a couple to successfully resolve issues.

Good communication within relationships ‘doesn’t just happen’, invariably communication skills need to be learnt. The statement ‘if I have to work at it, then it can’t be the right relationship” is a myth.

Thankfully there are communication skills programs that: • Increase awareness of self, partner, and the relationship. • Develop more effective skills in talking and listening together. • Expand options for enriching the relationship. • Assist in the understanding and appreciation of differences.

At Eltham Counselling a program encompassing talking and listening skills together with understanding and appreciating personality types that are brought into the relationship. This program provides skills that strengthen the closeness of our relationships.

Detailed Course Outline Goals & Benefits • More effective ways of talking and listening. • Better understanding of self and partner. • Faster, more satisfactory resolutions of conflict. • More enjoyment of one another. • Reduced misunderstandings, tension, and hostility. • Deeper sharing of experiences. • More mutually pleasing decisions. • Higher self and partner esteem. • Understanding and appreciating difference.

“A loving heart is the truest wisdom”.

Charles Dickens

ELTHAM COUNSELLING SERVICE

9431 3933

Grief is a complex process involving painful emotional adjustments. The dimensions of loss and grief can include:

Strong deep-seated emotionsLoss of social networksChanges in lifestyleStruggling with everyday practicalitiesLoss of meaning and purposeLoss of self-esteem and self-worthPhysical manifestations eg tightness in chest and throat.

Whatever the circumstances of loss and grief the following guidelines can be effective in grief counselling:

Help find meaning in the loss.Identify pathology and refer.

Source: Mental Health Academy

Psychological healing outcomes are enhanced by responding quickly to the initial presenting issue. With this in mind, Eltham Counselling is moving to a 72 hour or less appointment response for your patients.

ELTHAM COUNSELLING SERVICE - 9431 3933

All those in the front line of providing Health services such as GPs and psychologists, well know that getting men to seek help is sometimes a battle. Although progress is being made, there is still a way to go.

Men are more likely to hold off seeking the help of a health professional until they reach a crisis point in their life. In Australia, the suicide rates for men in 2013 was three times higher than that for women.

The emotional problems experienced by women are fundamentally the same problems faced by men. However, two thirds of all mental health outpatients are women.

Why is this so? Some of the reasons research has identified are:

Traditional masculinity ideology (fear of not being seen as a man).Raised not to experience or show emotions/vulnerability.Stigma around mental health.Fear that their mates may find out.The “I can fix it myself” mentality.Feeling uncomfortable about sharing emotions/problems.

Encouraging men to seek help can be done by:

Acknowledging their courage and strength in seeking help.Providing a supportive and safe environment.Normalising their problems as common to a lot of men and women.Explaining that wellbeing is a combination of looking after one’s physical, mental and spiritual health. Getting help equips a person with coping skills that improves their life and the lives of others.

At Eltham Counselling all our psychologists are experienced in working with men. In addition, we are fortunate to have two psychologists who specialise in this area:

Richard Weld-BlundellRhonda Jamieson

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.“ (Marcus Aurelius)

ELTHAM COUNSELLING SERVICE - 94313933

The impact on a person living with someone who is depressed is often overlooked. Caring for a depressed person can often mean putting ones own life on hold. The caring can involve dual roles. For example, they are called upon to be supportive as well as help the depressed person gain some clarity around their disorder.

Friends and family looking after a depressed person often go through stages such as: rationalising, denial, guilt and anger.

The following is a brief check list to assist those living with someone who is depressed:

Validate: - Accept that the person is in emotional pain, do not minimise it or expect them to ‘snap out of it’.

Relate to the Person – Not their Depression:- Separate the problem from the person and remember that depression is not part of who they truly are. Empathise how frustrating it must be to put up with it. If you become angry, you can let them know that it is the depression you are fed up with, not them as a person.

Give Positive Messages: - Comment positively on what the depressed person has managed to do, even if it is only something small. Reassure them they are loved.

Helping with Decision Making: Avoid directly telling the person what to do. Instead ask them what they think their options are. Look for positives in what they have already done.

Eliminate Unhelpful Family Expectations: - It is important for families to be flexible and not adhere to fixed rules which are causing stress.

Establish your Own Supports: Providing support for a person who is feeling depressed can be demanding both physically and emotionally. It is essential that you give some time to yourself to pursue your own needs. It is a myth that you must always be loving and caring. Feelings of anger are normal and common reactions to difficult situations. It is helpful if you can discuss such feelings with someone other than the person who is feeling depressed. If you do not do this you may feel resentful and guilty that you were angry. You need breaks and your own sources of emotional support in order to be an effective support.

Depression is a complex multidimensional disorder with observable signs relating to physiology, behaviour, thinking, feelings and relationships.

ELTHAM COUNSELLING SERVICE - 9431 3933

Communicating your feelings or emotions is not the same as expressing or experiencing them.

Expressing an emotional feeling actually strengthens it.

express love and you strengthen itexpress a negative emotion and you also strengthen it.

Expressing or experiencing an emotion is not the same as releasing it.

feeling the pain of a damaged finger is not curing it - why should it be different for an emotional feeling.

Feelings are energy based.

Pure feelings: Not filtered through the personal belief system eg. tired, alert, happy.

Emotions: Feelings filtered through belief system eg. because you believe you should not be rejected, you become unhappy. Example of emotions; fear, anxiety, anger, sadness and loneliness.

Communicating about emotional energy enables them to be processed rather than pushed down to ‘fester’ or strengthening them by expressing them.

Develop effective skills in talking and listening together.Expand communication optionsIncrease awareness of self, partner, and the relationshipUnderstand and appreciate differences.Understand and appreciate each other's personality differences.

By undertaking the powerful ‘Talking and Listening Together’ program plus other communication tools, you will discover communication skills which will strengthen the closeness of your relationships.

Through the use of personality profiling you will also gain insight into each other’s personality preferences and gifts that are bought into the relationship. Understanding and appreciating the different gifts in yourself and others can lead to enhanced communication.

Course Goals

To improve day to day interactions.To learn how to resolve conflicts more effectively.To help partners understand and respect each other’s perspectives.To enrich your relationships with your partner and others. Program is available over 4 sessions at $130 per session.Extensive notes are supplied

Register at reception or phone Eltham Counselling Service on: (03) 9431 3933

For the last few decades there has been a ‘catch cry’, Live in the NOW or moment and you can resolve many of your issues. A whole new therapy has emerged around Living in the NOW called Mindfulness. So what is this all about?

Humans ability to think and feel is both a positive and negative force. We also have the ability to be aware of our own thoughts and feelings, this awareness is our real positive power and is the essence of being in the moment – the essence of Mindfulness.

Consider these two statements: ‘I am angry/sad/hurt” and “I am experiencing anger/sadness/hurt”. There is a world of difference between the two. The first statement “I am …..” you are making an identity out of your thoughts or feelings. The second statement “I am experiencing….” you are not making an identity out of your thoughts or feelings but rather observing them. This is the essence of the power of now – ie observing or being aware of your thoughts and feelings and not making them an identity. Master this and you can regain your power or connection with yourself. You do not have to sit on some mountain top trying to meditate your way into enlightenment, you can practice being aware of your thoughts and feelings throughout your busy day.

The reality is that the only reality is the here and now. Think about it, the past has been and gone and the future has not happened yet – there is only this moment. Sure you can drift off into the past or create an anxious feeling by drifting off into the ‘what if’ future but the only reality is the here and Now. If you observe your thoughts you automatically bring yourself into the Now. You are greater than your past story or your imagined future. Don’t make a ‘self’ out of the past or imagined future.

Once in the Now you have your power back – increased ability to make choices. You cannot observe something in the past or the future you can only observe something in the here and Now. This is called detachment or being an observer or being aware.

Detachment / Observing

The difference between being detached from your emotions and being swept away by them is the difference between standing on a bridge looking down on rushing water below you and being in the water. When you are in the water, you can see only a little of it – the water is around you. When you are angry, for example, you can only experience your anger. When you are on the bridge, you can see the stream – you can see your anger approach, rush under the bridge, and move downstream. That is detachment or being an observer.

Detachment allows you to remain aware of what you feel while the events of your life unfold. When you are detached, your emotions run through you like water through a hose. You are the hose. The same water does not stay in the same place in a hose when turned on. The fear, resentment, anger, depression, contentment, jealousy, rage or joy that you feel do not stay, either. When you look at your emotions in this way you can detach from them enough that you will not be controlled by them.

When you stand on the bridge and experience your anger etc, no matter how painful the sensations in your body are, you are the master of your anger etc, and you control what you do. Each time you do this, your anger etc loses power over you and you gain power over it. When you are aware of your emotions and what is occurring around you, you step into the present moment.

A Tool Box for Living in the Moment

Witness the thought / feeling and even the deeper self behind the thought.Put more energy into the watching rather than the mental formation of thoughts.Think with your body. Body awareness keeps you in the present – feel the life inside. It anchors you in the NOW. Let the breath take you into the body.Ask yourself what is going on inside me at this moment.Withdraw attention from the past (memory) and the future (anticipation). The moment you realise you are not present, you are present.Don’t make a ‘self’ out of the past.Be at least as interested in your reactions as in the situation or person that causes you to react.Always separate a problem from a sense of self.Accept that relationships are here to make you conscious rather than happy.Become aware of the bond between yourself and all creatures.Separate the situation from the resistance to it. Be aware that the condition of illness has nothing to do with who you truly are.

“Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, That’s why it’s called the Present”. Origin uncertain

Life is littered with broken New Year resolutions – even the mere mention of resolutions can create a taunting feeling. Maybe ‘lifestyle fine tuning’ is a better mind-set for making 2017 count for you. Here are some suggestions – (start off just choosing one thing from each category to focus on):

Weight Management:

The Guts of It: In the absence of any biological problem (eg thyroid issues), the following are the main factors driving weight gain:

Gluten & other allergiesExcess blood sugar (glucose) ie eating too many carbsStress *Lack of physical activityPortion sizes

To achieve healthy, safe and permanent results all of the above factors need to be addressed for example, if the portion sizes are ok but if you a sensitive to gluten then you will still put on weight.

* When one is stressed, adrenal glands release a hormone called cortisol, which makes you fat. Cortisol also breaks down lean muscle which in turn slows metabolism. Stress and emotional eating happen when one forms an association between food and some emotional state, such as comfort, joy etc.

In a Nutshell

Portion size is a key driver to weight gain/loss – conquer this one first – (use the Virtual Gastric Band hypnosis for help)

Muscle burns fat

– therefore exercise eg weight sessions are good

Cardio workouts are also very good for burning caloriesMuscle weighs 3X as much as fat

– therefore scales are irrelevant

Carbs become sugars, sugars become fat if not burned off

therefore small carb (low GI) portions are better

Natural fats are OK in small amounts

Be careful of labels saying “skinny” or “lite” or “fat free” because they often contain extra sugars which leads to weight gain

Stress Management

It is interesting that the increased pace of life means we often notice when we are calm rather than when we are stressed.

Stress in a Nutshell

Regularly practice deep relaxation especially breathingA regular program of exerciseReduce stimulants (caffeine, sugar etc.)Elimination of allergies (eg wheat)Adequate nutrition (eg. cut out simple carbs)Learning to acknowledge &express feelingsAdopting ‘self talk’ which promote a calmer attitude to life

Strategies for stress relief – behavioural

Yoga / PilatesMindfulness & Deep BreathingMeditationExerciseMassageMusicHumourCounsellingWeight management

Relationships

The following are some handy relationship maintenance tips:

Create genuine commitment by; spending pleasurable time together, sharing each other’s world and frequent reassurance of your love. Commitment starts with a decision – decide to be committed.

Become emotionally connected. Connecting requires not only bonding but also more importantly intimacy. Bonding is a shared experience, which includes physical proximity, while intimacy includes emotional closeness and mutual vulnerability (ie sharing feelings). Talking openly and sharing each other’s life creates connection.

Show that you value your partner by:

Giving their happiness high priority.Showing an interest in your partner’s life.Showing you value your partner’s input. (Appreciation)

Maintain best friend & physical chemistry by:

Giving the relationship top priority i.e. doing relationship maintenance including creating romance.Creating an emotional safe zone by: Being approachable, being open to hear your partner without defensiveness and anger. Eliminate the need to ‘walk on eggshells’Listening to each other from the heart. Be present.Creating relationship equality through respect and fairness.Commitment to peacemaking; i.e. begin working on restoring the trust quickly if it is broken.Commitment to work on self-love eg clearing away baggage from childhood etc.Commitment to personal development.

Some Lifestyle Changing Mindsets

Learn to distinguish what is important and what isn’t.Refuse to feel, talk and act like a victim.Give up the need for control – as the things you want to control sometimes end up controlling you.Be flexible in your thinking and actions - go with the flowLearn to live each moment in the present.Dare to be yourself.Understanding your needs –physical, emotional, spiritualCultivating self-acceptance by being willing to embrace your weaknessesLearn to ask for helpShare your problems with people who know how to ‘listen’.Look at situations in life as either lessons to be learned or challenges to be met.Learn to forgive, you deserve the release it can give you.See and appreciate life as an unfolding process – instead of a heap of meaningless unmanageable fragmentsBe able to laugh at yourself.Let go of guilt and resentmentGive smiles and hugs and ask for them in returnSurround yourself with only ‘positively-focussed ‘ people.Refuse to play the part of a “Superwoman or Superman”See the cup as half full rather than half empty.

MAKE 2017 COUNT

About Chris Newell: Chris is the owner of NeWell Life Solutions, he has professional qualifications in hypnosis, psychotherapy, counselling and nutrition. He has particular expertise in weight loss, improving relationships, managing anxiety, emotional healing and communication skills.

Phone: 0412269995 for an appointment on the Mornington Peninsula or 94313933 in Eltham